It has happened. The one thing I prayed would never happen to me. I had promised myself that I would not be like my mother or sister. That I would wait until marriage and do things the right way. I had already lost my virginity. There was no getting that back, but I had the choice to turn away from my past and begin anew, but I turned away from God once again, wanting to live in my own pleasures, and now the ultimate consequence was laid on me. I became pregnant outside of marriage.
I had done the one thing I told myself I would never do. I was about to become a single mother with a baby father that would not step up or be around. Now in the moment I was kind of excited at the thought of my new baby. The blessing that would change my life.
But after talking to my child's father; that happy feeling quickly turned into despair. Why did I have sex outside of marriage? Why did I not wait and trust in the Lord? Why was I so impatience? Why was I so stupid? That I would choose this with a person I knew deep inside wouldn't last or ever turn to marriage.
I was too busy thinking of all that I didn't have and wishing to be where I thought I was supposed to. Where all my friends were and what they were doing. I did not believe God had a good plan for me or even had one for me at all. At least not in the way I wanted. I had no trust in God; in the plan He had for my life.
I believed in Him to do only good for others, not for me, as I had always felt left out and forgotten most of childhood. I felt I had to take control of my life on my own. That if I didn't do it myself then who would? I felt I could only rely on myself and not God.
So, I took matters into my own hands and started seeing a guy that I knew was no good for me. I began to have sex outside of marriage and a couple months later I saw a big plus sign on the pregnancy test. I was going to have a baby.
Nine months later and I had my baby boy Yakim (aka Joey), and I was on my own. His father was in jail. I had become a single mother and I felt terrible. But not terrible enough to turn back and do things right. I started having premarital sex once again with a different man. This one was a cheater and lived a lifestyle I should never have been a part of.
But I did it anyway and a year and a half later I got pregnant with my daughter Yaria. I left her father not too long after I became pregnant and was now a single mother to 2 children with absent fathers. I was completely disgusted with myself.
Not only did I not learn from my mistakes the first time around. I did it a second time and felt I had ruined my kids' lives and destroyed whatever purpose God created for me. I felt doomed. I also thought about how this looked as a catholic.
Single parents can almost be invisible in the Catholic Church. Most events that you see from local parishes are either for single people with no kids or married couples. It can leave those of us that made this unreversible path left to the waste side. Where we feel no one would want us as a single parent and feeling out of place with the married couples.
Maybe we can start having group meetings directed at single parents or start having events for them. To let us know we aren't alone and that we still have a place in our community. Being a single parent wasn't my goal, but I am here now, and I wish more local parishes would cater, at least a little bit, to us.
I hope God grants me my wish and blesses me with a traditional Catholic husband that loves both me and my children. I want my kids to grow in a household that is whole; something I never got to experience. But at the very least I wish that I am able to raise them in Christ and to live proper lives. That they will not keep the cycle going but break it. What are your thoughts on this subject? Leave your comments below!